to live...and then to remember

     i feel like sometimes being the nice guy all the time doesnt work. its your identity but sometimes others view it as something they can take advantage of. sometimes taking blow after blow is really annoying and pisses you off too much to the point where you wish you had some kind of a solution. for me i always want to look for a peaceful solution but that can only go so far with some people. some people are just too stubborn to understand through niceness. as my favorite laker said once to his peer, “I’d smack the **** out of somebody.” that quote seems kind of violent at first glance but if youre put in a situation where people constantly push you down and dont seem like theyre stopping at anytime, this quote almost inspires you in a way. sometimes you got to assert yourself and remind people around you to not be idiots and mistreat you all the time. talk behind your back or say negative things to put you down. you got to show them that there will be consequences if such actions are constantly repeated. yes we need to stay as cool as possible most of the time but when the situation gets out of hand then a little reminder/statement always helps. 

     its been a while again but i guess thats why im writing this, ive been so busy with school work recently that i hardly had time to do much in the past 2 weeks! i wish i had more time to do fun things during the day, but instead all i have these days is night time to do the things i couldnt do during the day. been staying up recently and just trying to get the fun things that i want to do out of the way and have the day to do productive things. which would result in it being either successful or a failure due to lack of sleep. 

     well most recently, yesterday was almost perfect in the sense of how much i was able to do and how in the most part things were pretty good all around. i was able to get alot of work done with my partner robyn on the business presentation that we have due today and that felt really productive and i was able to get some other homework done by the end of the day. then we had the housing lottery which resulted in us winning the mannoia pod that we really wanted. so im glad that is settled and i get to room with people that i actually chose this time instead of taking the risk of being randomly put into a room with someone hoping to make a new friend. then i had a pretty good talk about alot of things with ryan which was encouraging. always good to have a good talk like that and i can wait to room with the guy next year, should be a blast! 

     other than that life is going pretty steady. been chilling with some good old friends that i didnt have time to hangout in a while even though im still really busy with school and everything. sometimes you just got to make time in your busy schedule to have those memories with your friends before my college years are over. anyways pretty good/busy week and i cant wait for this weekend to cool off!

     so my first full length wedding (that i was also part of the wedding party) was seans and meaghans wedding on april 21. it was simply amazing. i feel like i learned so many things about weddings in general and also had a lot of fun in the process. i had no idea how much it took to plan a wedding and all the crazy busy things involved. like dressing everyone according to the brides colors or all the hotel reservations, or the food for all the guests, or the photographs for the wedding. its crazy! i cant imagine myself planning for my wedding someday. but being part of the wedding party was definitely memorable and very fun. just being part of a couples most memorable day was awesome enough but to have old good friends to hang out with or fun things like fancy dinners and photo shoots definitely make it much better. 

     so as soon as i get there we go to the suit rental place where we got to fit our suits and shoes etc. it was pretty neat because the lady was helping us out with everything so i almost felt like a celebrity getting dressed for a big event. the shirt/suit/pants/tie/shoes were so nice and felt so smooth, it was awesome! and we looked so fly! then we went to the church to practice the wedding. it was pretty simple for me, being an usher. although i had to help out by pretending to be the best man because he was late because of a flight delay. it was pretty interesting practicing the wedding. then we went to the hotel we were staying at and had a nice fancy dinner at a v.i.p. room. it was pretty neat how sean set all this up for all his family and friends. then we went to a local pub to play some pool and hang out like the good old times. 

     the next day, we woke up early, had a great hotel breakfast, and headed out to the church. we got dressed up (looking good!) and were taking many pictures as a group and with the groom. we also ate a little while we were waiting for the wedding to start. then me and the other usher (dan) started ushering people into the chapel and it was pretty cool how it almost felt like i was stealing the mens dates because i was asked to escort the ladies only, while the men trailed along behind us. after everyone was seated and some of the greenville friends showed up, we started the wedding. it was super long because it was a catholic one but still really good. after that the reception took place and that was a nice chill out moment for all of us. then we took the suv limo to go out into the city and start taking pictures of the newlyweds and us. it was a ton of pictures ha ha, it was awesome though. then we arrived to the after party where all the wedding guests came to have dinner and celebrate the cake cutting and dancing of the newlyweds. it was a great time. then i had to leave early because scott was there and he was my perfect ride back to greenville so i left afterwards. 

     this was a fun memory in my life and i hope i can experience more in the future. next up is jerry and christys on may!

     God is so funny sometimes, when things look down and you just want to do something out of anger or emotion, something not necessarily good, like get into a fight or just be mean to everyone around you, he somehow in the past month or so always intervened and prevented me from acting out and being stupid. like if i was mad at someone, he would make me read a bible chapter that was talking about quelling my anger or when i was too stressed out, he would send someone to talk to me, so i can vent a little. theres been a lot of little things that have been bothering me lately, mostly school but a decent amount coming from people in my school. i even had a night where i was pretty much out looking for trouble, but i guess were always covered by God’s grace even in tough times. i love people who God places in my life to help me through difficult times and i really appreciate it. :)

     recently a lot of people especially my roommate have been annoying me with their lack of actions behind their words. i have no respect for those people who say one thing but act differently and say theyre going to do something but when things turn hard, they back out. really? if you say youre going to clean up the room then do it, that moment before you become busy with other things. dont put it off till later when all youre doing at the current time is either playing video games or hanging out with your friends. 

     i mean im not the most perfect example myself but when people constantly do the same thing over and over again, it gets on your nerves when you notice it every single time! grow up, do what you said youre going to do and dont complain when people dont trust you or treat you a little negatively when you ask them to do something. im sick and tired of this stupid mentality that some people have, its just called laziness and you being a spoiled brat trying to get away with things that you should be doing. 

     i never thought id see the day when someone my age would not last to see at least 30. its just super sad and i cant express how much pain and turmoil im dealing with inside. besides the fact that we werent the closest of friends but good enough to call each other friends, the fact that someone so freaking young, with so much yet to do in life could be taken away so harshly, so unfairly almost. its no accident, its no unfortunate event of being at a wrong place at the wrong time. it was just something that cannot be helped or necessarily controlled by people around her. i just cant help but to feel so so sad about what has happened. i seriously have a hard time dealing with death in general considering this is only the 3rd time ive had someone i know die in my life and the 1st of my friends my age die is devastating. i just wish i knew how to deal with death better than i think i am. sometimes i just cant help but wonder, what was the point in that God? but i know he always has a plan for people and if that was his plan to take her away so quickly then there must be some kind of reason. i got to be strong and just pray that everything passes well. 

     its just one of my biggest weaknesses in my walk with Christ. dealing with death and just the idea of death scares me. its so mysterious, strange, and scary. i just cant see myself be brave in a situation that has to do with death. and it scares me so much that if just the death of someone i just considered a regular friend dies, how will the death of someone closer in my life dies? i would completely flip out! i hope that God can make me strong for when the time comes where i have to hear the super sad news of my close friends or family dying and its just so crazy to think about but thats one my lifes struggles to come to grips with. 

     May you rest in peace Natalie and i will always remember your bright smile and your blunt personality that i appreciated.

     now that im trying to update this “diary” thing more consistently time for the daily zap (nba reference lol).

     so today i woke up very tired! it was because last night i took a sleeping pill for the first time in my life! i just found myself recently having a hard time falling asleep so i decided it might be a good idea to get some help haha. anyways it kind of worked seeing that i wasnt knocked out maybe like 5 minutes after i took the pill (which is what i was hoping/expecting) but it sort of did the job. i got up went to brunch with the pod people and i then goofed around a little and took a short nap. later that day i did some laundry and other random chores around the room and then i sat down to come up with a “new game” for my new games class that i just started this past week. its a pretty fun class i think and its only gonna get funner. playing those silly games is pretty fun especially when you know more than half the class of like 30+ people. then after i got done i went to play some ping pong with jonathan simon stephy and craig. i actually didnt expect craig to be there since he hasnt played in over a year and a half, but i was glad he randomly showed up and played us. i had a pretty good run, including playing craig, its been so long! after that we just hung out a little bit more and now im about to go to bed to wake up early in the morning to go to church. i cant wait, im going to the korean church in st. louis tomorrow, its gonna be so awesome!

     today i just wanna say how many great people i have in my life! you always expect people to be there, especially if theyre youre close friends that you always count on. and sometimes you find yourself not appreciating them enough for being there for you and helping you out during hard times and i know for me i sometimes forget about all the things theyve done for me. i wish i could show just how much i appreciate them for being friends with me but right now i can only offer words and i hope its enough for now. 

     its amazing but for me one of the most important things that my closest friends do for me, whether theyre close or far from me, is that they always provide me with the right mind about things in my life. they help me stay positive and never feel alone in the world. even if im struggling with something and i dont talk to them i always can tell myself that theyre out there, wishing me the best, and that always seems to put my mind at rest. whenever im struggling with finding new friends in a new environment, even if i dont find any that day, i always know im supported and loved by my friends from all over the world. if i feel like the world is against me for some reason, i always tell myself that even if i feel like the world is against me, there are those close friends in that world that love and support me so i should just keep going strong. if i feel like my relationship with God is hurting because ive been going through a rough time, i always can tell myself that my friends went through that and theyre praying for me so that i can get back on track with that. and its great! just having those kinds of friends is so helpful and makes my day easier and helps me not have any unnecessary stress levels. i would have way too much stress in my life if i didnt live like that. 

     i remember last year when i was in california with my grandparents and one youth group on friday, james (my youth pastor) gave each of us lists of things that could be going on in our lives or things that could have happened to us recently, and depending on how many things from that list happened to us, it determined our supposed stress level. and i was tied with someone else as the highest stress level person. but thank goodness that i have God in my life and all my supportive friends that He has provided me to help me reduce that stress level to just normal levels. 

     so to all my wonderful/supportive/loving/faithful friends from Ukraine, Europe, Asia, and America thank you for everything and i continue to rely on your love and support to go through my daily life better and better. :)

     the other day in bible class i learned about the idea of how our individual actions effect the other people in the body of Christ. so basically how my actions effect someone that has nothing to do with what i do but as long as they believe that Christ is their Savior and they give their lives to him it will somehow effect them. i dont exactly know how or how it effects me as a result but it was an interesting idea and something that i want to take seriously. say if i had been talking negatively about someone because they made me mad somehow, how does that effect someone whos a christian whos somewhere in another country? someone who has nothing to do with my action but because theyre christian they belong to the body of Christ that im part of, therefore theyre effected by my negative actions. sure theres the positive side of all glory is for God, but what about the negative/bad things we do, the sinful things that we do daily, and how does that effect us as a community? as the body of Christ, how does my negative action effect them? 

     i dont think it would be a positive effect by no means, so its probably a negative one, but if the person who i dont even know who lives in say…africa, how does that effect them? maybe some of my quick thoughts about it would be, id be just another statistic about how the greenville students are. or if i was cussing at someone then i would be a stat of how many students cuss? i dont know exactly but i feel like thats the first and the most logical way i can effect them. i feel like if theres a spiritual connection, like a big room where all members of the body of Christ can go to, and if their actions were like bringing some kind of a gift to the community, by doing good actions, you bring something that everybody likes and would enjoy, like a good meal or an xbox so that everybody can have fun playing games haha. but if you do something negative thats like bringing the community a bad gift, something that no one needs or would enjoy. something like if you give a pink dress to a professional wrestler for their birthday. something that doesnt make any sense or something they have no use for.

     thats the most sensible way i understand this new concept i learned from class. and i hope that each day i can improve and bring better gifts to my brothers and sisters in Christ. 

     man its been a while hasnt it? i guess i was so busy with everything that was going on that i kind of forgot about tumblr and keeping a diary sort of thing going on. well for the most part everything has been going pretty normally, nothing too out of the ordinary, school is tough and the workload is overwhelming sometimes but thats the college life i guess. working long hours (kind of) doesnt help much either, but at least im getting paid decently sort of. last week was spring break which was such a good stress reliever for me even though there were some crappy things going on during spring break but overall it was a nice relaxing week. i bought two new games, the new naruto generations game and elder scrolls: skryrim. theyre awesome, naruto for being naruto but skyrim was just simply amazing. probably the best game ive ever played and the most addicting game ever. basically simply put its like warcraft but its a single player game and on xbox instead of a pc. 

     life has been pretty good, hanging out with the same old pod crew and some other good friends once in a while, just trying to find the right balance between everything. today was really cool because yesterday was laura and brads wedding so a bunch of old alumni came back and today we hung out and played frisbee which was awesome playing with those guys again. so much good now i gotta be productive by trying to finish some hw and getting ready to do well this coming week!